Would You Die In The Matrix?

Having just watched all three Matrix movies, I have stumbled across the secret for survival as a woman in The Matrix. It’s a simple formula, easily applied to oneself with a minimum of fuss.

switch

I noticed this pattern starting with Switch, who drew my eye on account of her being something like Thermite personified.

switch 2

Switch doesn’t survive much longer than this shot in which it’s pretty obvious she’s not wearing a bra.

Saddened by Switch’s death, I felt a tingling of concern when I noticed that the doctor in the second Matrix movie also had a certain butch-y vibe to her (or at least had pretty short hair):

short hair doc

Sure enough, dead not half an hour later.

Having spotted the pattern, I held out precisely zero hope for the very attractive rocket launcher lady with the shaved head:

She know's something's up...

She know’s something’s up…

Yep, her end was particularly gruesome. It turns out, watching the entire Matrix series, that NO female with hair shorter than her shoulders lives, and EVERY female character with her hair longer than that survives. It would also appear that the shorter your hair is, the quicker and nastier you die in The Matrix universe. (The only exception to this is The Oracle, who arguably dies and simply happens to be reborn, so the short hair rule still holds true.) Interesting, no? One wonders what the Wachowski brothers, or Wachowski brother and sister as they are today, were thinking.

hair too short

WT actual F?

12 thoughts on “Would You Die In The Matrix?

  1. DD

    I’m all ragey now! I will keep taking my blue pill! I only watched the first movie though, loved it but yeah, Switch’s dead saddened me.
    I will watch next movies so I see that pattern myself and angrily tweet The Wachowsky siblings.

      1. DD

        Oh sorry. I meant when I tweet the Wachowsky siblings it will already be from the world beyond. I would die in the Matrix.

          1. DD

            Oh yes. I have a way of getting dramatic, don’t I? ;)

            Hey, what if I died and resucited? I am an angry zombie! Beware, Wachowskis!

  2. Alyx

    I would definitely die in The Matrix. Which doesn’t really surprise me, but it does piss me off. Thank you for giving us pics of hot women with short hair, though. :D

  3. Lot

    I just read an article on cracked about this whole butches dying in movies thing. When this happens the butch that dies is apparently called The Vasquez. It’s from Aliens, Private Vasquez dies and Sigourny Beaver lives, even though Vasquez is clearly more qualified and much more likely to have survived. Anyhow, there is a long explanation about The Vasquez, just search it sometime. I get so excited to see butch women in movies, but then when I realize she is The Vasquez it just sucks, to be blunt.

    1. Loki Post author

      Oh yeah. Also like Michelle Rodriguez dies in practically all her movies.

      There’s actually another way I can tell if a woman is going to die in a movie, although that one is more subjective and not as useful as the hair test. The other way goes like this. Do I find this woman attractive, or does she seem to be a fickle waste of space and oxygen?

      If the former, she’ll be dead before the credits roll. If the latter, she’ll be wrapped in her lover’s arms, as safe as houses.

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