The Bisexual Perspective

A few weeks ago, I got an email from someone who noted that I’m bisexual and wondered what it was like being a bisexual author. She noted that there were a lot of lesbian perspectives, but not a whole lot of bisexual ones – especially in the F/F community. And she has a point.

I suspect that there are actually an awful lot of bisexual people in the F/F kink community, but for one reason or another they’re fairly invisible. I can’t speak for everyone, but the biggest reason I personally don’t bring up the bisexual thing very often is because it’s not really relevant to anything 90% of the time. Most of the time I feel as if it would be weird and borderline disrespectful to bring up men in a F/F space, mostly because there are so very few spaces that actually are F/F. When you find one, its nice not to bring up men, just for once.

I’ve personally never hidden the fact that I’m bi, or the fact that I have a male partner. It’s also wildly obvious to anyone with eyes that I write both M/F and F/F books, so there’s another giveaway there.

At the end of the day however, when you’re having an F/F discussion in an F/F venue it’s just awkward and a little out of place to bring up bisexuality in the form of chatting about guys. Most of the time it would be the equivalent of adding an entirely unnecessary ‘also, penis’ to the end of every sentence. Also, penis.

See what I mean?

I do see however, how this bisexual invisibility would be sort of alienating to some people. I know sometimes I feel like I might be mistaken for a lesbian, which wouldn’t bother me at all, but which might not be fair either. I mean, what if people only liked reading my F/F stories because they thought I was a lesbian? What if they felt tricked upon discovering that there was a fellow about the place? Should I disclaimer everything I write with a WARNING: NOT A REAL LESBIAN!

Perhaps a little over the top, methinks.

Being bisexual is a little bit like being a switch, although you know you’re both, quite often you can only express one side of yourself at a time. It’s not possible to simultaneously top and bottom the same person, and it’s not possible to have a monogamous relationship with both a man and a woman at the same time.

Bisexuality does have some additional stigma in the lesbian community too, because more than one bisexual has broken a lesbian’s heart in twain by buggering off to be with a man. And bisexuals sort of get to fly under the radar, avoiding a lot of the hardship that comes with being an out and proud lesbian woman. Both those things could easily lead to a perhaps understandable, if not entirely constructive, resentment of the bisexual.

Having said that, I’ve never personally experienced any of that. Everybody has been lovely to me and those who perhaps weren’t so taken with me were probably annoyed by things other than who I take to bed at night.

So what’s the bisexual perspective? Well from my perspective, it’s pretty great. The F/F community has been nothing but kind and loving toward me, they’ve certainly embraced my work with enthusiasm and I have to say one of the reasons I love writing F/F so much is because I know I’m doing it for people who really love it. There’s an energy in the F/F community that I’ve never found elsewhere. The space, as it were, pulses with a feminine intensity that is invigorating to be around – even digitally.

I don’t know if that answers the question. I don’t know if there even was originally a question to be answered. Suffice to say, I think bisexual women are very welcome in the F/F community and have as much of a role to play as those who identify as lesbian. It’s a space defined by femininity, not sexuality. It’s a sisterhood. And it’s awesome.

29 thoughts on “The Bisexual Perspective

  1. Mil

    I didn’t know you were bi! I thought you were straight! I just thought you understood women really well… probably because you are one. Or maybe I didn’t really think about it much 🙂

    From my limited time in the F/F community, my impression is that there are all sorts and even some who aren’t sexual at all.

    Cool post, Loki.

    1. Loki Post author

      I spend an awful lot of time writing f/f sex for someone straight ;).

      You make a good point about the some who aren’t sexual at all though, there are also numerous people who like the f/f community because it contains quite a bit of non-sexual kink too.

  2. bahamagirl

    I’m also bi , never told you lot that though. I have the best of three worlds . 1st I love women alot . 2nd I love men alittle more at times and 3rd I get to play Mommy when my kids let me 🙂 My sons are gorgeous by the way. But if you lookin for a pup to play with lemme know , I’ll see if I could hook you up with myself.

    1. Loki Post author

      ‘The best of three worlds’- that’s a really good way to put it. There sure are advantages to being bisexual. And thanks for the offer, I’ll keep it in mind :).

  3. sparrow

    Innate bisexuality is a term introduced by Sigmund Freud that states all humans are born bisexual but through psychological development and both external and internal factors become mono-sexual while the bisexuality remains in a latent state…. which is to say we are all bisexual to some degree.

    1. Loki Post author

      Interesting point, but I tend to take Freud with a very, very, very large grain of salt. So large it has to stay outside because it won’t fit in the house.

      Especially when that point of view completely contradicts a growing body of evidence that sexuality quite likely has a significant genetic / biological basis.

  4. DD

    Sparrow, I always like your perspective but as a real lesbian I take offense! 😉

    I never know where to stand in the born this way debate. I also don’t particularly care why I am a lesbian or why Loki is bisexual or how a bird can type (cuz you are a real bird, aren’t you?)

    I like the Kingsley scale thingy. I am a six. Others are a five or a four or a zero (ha! Straights are zeros! Ha ha!).

    Disclaimer: I have straight friends, they are lovely.

    1. sparrow

      I’m as real a lesbian as it gets, DD, and I tend to agree with Alyx on the spectrum point of view, which to my mind is what Freud was saying. If there is a genetic component to determining where we fall on the spectrum, that only makes it more of a fact that, no matter where we fall on that spectrum, it is all in accord with the natural order of things. Whether on one end or the other or somewhere in the middle, we are all ‘natural women’… like the old Aretha Franklyn song lyrics:

      1. sparrow

        Looking out on the morning rain
        I used to feel uninspired
        And when I knew I had to face another day
        Lord, it made me feel so tired
        Before the day I met you, life was so unkind
        But you were the key to my peace of mind

        ‘Cause you make me feel,
        You make me feel,
        You make me feel like
        A natural woman

        When my soul was in the lost-and-found
        You came along to claim it
        I didn’t know just what was wrong with me
        Till your kiss helped me name it
        Now I’m no longer doubtful of what I’m living for

        ‘Cause you make me feel,
        You make me feel,
        You make me feel like
        A natural woman

      2. Loki Post author

        If you look deeply enough at what Freud said (I almost typed Fraud – would that have been a Freudian slip?) it’s vague enough to mean anything at all.

        “People become heterosexual or homosexual based on internal and external factors, including, but not limited to, the weather, sugar intake, genetic factors and whether or not they were exposed to the character Arthur Fonzerelli before the age of 6.”

  5. Alyx

    I tend to think we’re all on a spectrum, meaning that some can be all the way to one side or the other, but many have facets of both. I also think this post is funny and analytical and sensitive, and like others have noted, very cool.

    I also think the comments are hilarious. 😀

  6. Peach

    I would also say that a person’s sexual orientation in kinky spanky matters may not necesarrily be 100% consistent with their general orientation. I may not be a “real lesbian” as sparrow or Alyx or DD, but when it comes to spanking, I’m almost as bona fide as them ’cause I pretty much only enjoy ff. Makes sense?

    Great post Loki! Very funny actually.

    1. Loki Post author

      Another most excellent point! Some women only bottom to other women, or top other women. Personally I like to top both men and women and hardly ever bottom – even though I feel though my personality comes across as more bottom-ish.

      1. DD

        Do you feel your personality comes across as more bottomish? Interesting. I would say you come across as a playful toppy kinkster. Well, that’s the sense I get.

      2. Alyx

        I hope you don’t take this as being disrespectful, because I don’t intend it that way at all…..but yeah, I do think of you as mostly bottom.

        1. Loki Post author

          Alyx! I’m shocked. Shocked and appalled. Shocked, appalled and taken aback. Shocked, appalled, taken aback and offended. Shocked, appalled, taken aback, offended and flummoxed.

          That is what I am.

          (Or none of those things. Definitely none of those things.)

  7. DD

    Interesting. I both agree with you on Fraud yet I think some of his vague ideas do indeed work ar tools of reflection and thought.

    I think he was right about a Subconsciouss existing. I also think through reflecting on words than mean everything and nothing at all, one may come to know oneself better.

    And this of course is in itself something that both means everything and nothing at the same time.

    The world needs more Lesbian Frauds and tarotists.

    P.S. I am actually serious. I think psychoanalisis (of course, not all of it is Fredian but he started it) does have some good even if entirely unscientific insight.

  8. espy80

    I’m rather glad you’re in the small cozy but exclusive pool of F/F writers Loki.

    I’m also glad for the absence of penis 🙂

    For now, that is all.

  9. Jazz

    I considered myself to be bisexual during my early years of high school. Over time I came to realise I preferred women however I was still somewhat curious about men. Then I started having sex and now I’m only interested in women.

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